Horoscopes

by Zach Ames
8.08 V1.2

Aries: March 21-April 19
Despite multiple attempts to take a new direction in your life, you'll always come back to a familiar place. And now it's even easier since you've made your mother's womb into a hat.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
You're about to go on an unexpected all expense paid vacation. We'll see you in three to five years.

Gemini: May 21-June 21
Both of your arms will be lost in a freak accident if you're not careful. Stay away from anyone manufacturing an assortment of delicious jams and jellies.

Cancer: June 22-July 22
Don't blame the stars because your life sucks. If you're not going to take their advice then you get what you deserve.

Leo: July 23-August 22
You're going to find out what a furry is this week when you show up unexpectedly at your preacher's apartment.

Virgo: August 23-Sept. 22
If you get enough cats and tape them all together. It will be sort of kind of like having a child.

Libra: Sept. 23-October 22
Why do you even get out of bed? You're a failure.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
You will be upset by a bumper sticker that reads: "There is no excuse for domestic violence." Why couldn't they make it rhyme? Abuse. How can you be held responsible for remembering something if they don't bother to make a convenient rhyme? I'm just sayin'.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21
You will find your cause in life when you take up the crusade to end catapult punishment.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan. 19
A once in a lifetime opportunity will come by and you will finally get a job with benefits. There's no medical or dental, but the oral and anal more than compensate.

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
This will be a week where you learn an important lesson of love. If you're going to get some pity sex, make sure you say you're dying from cancer and not AIDS.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
Get inquisitive. That project for the "science fair" in your garage would make more sense if your son wasn't thirty.

Zach Ames is a writer and comedian from Chattanooga who now resides in Los Angeles.

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