Horoscopes

by Zach Ames
6.08 V1.1

Aries: March 21-April 19
This is a great time in your life to make that big change you've been thinking about. Sometimes you just have to go for it. FTW.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
You look stressed out, dude. Hit this.

Gemini: May 21-June 21
Now is the time to stop feeding your cat tuna fish when it catches you knowing yourself. Even though you may feel guilty now, it will backfire and every time you masturbate you'll have to listen to MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW.

Cancer: June 22-July 22
A new love is waiting for you in a distant land. Drop everything and move to Cleveland.

Leo: July 23-August 22
You're faith in humanity will be restored after you witness a street fight between two grown men dressed as cowboys. It will again be destroyed when you realize one of the men is your uncle.

Virgo: August 23-Sept. 22
A lengthy adoption process is in your future. After receiving your Nigerian baby, when you say racist things you can be like, "No, it's cool. My baby is black."

Libra: Sept. 23-October 22
Give up.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
You're friend will tell you that for him to have sex with a woman, her breasts have to be larger than her stomach. What a coincidence! For you to have sex with a woman, her breasts have to be larger than your breasts. FATASS!

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21
You will have a dream where you are pregnant. It won't be so bad though because you're parents will be really supportive, at least until the double tailed scorpions show up.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan. 19
After their wireless internet goes down for more than two days, you will go downstairs and give your neighbor some free technical support.

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Jesus is going to come back and fly you to heaven in his magical zeppelin. Just kidding.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
You will try to start a new band and post in the classifieds section of Chattarock.com to find members. After being verbally assaulted for not liking the right death grindcore bands, the discussion will turn to DICKBOOBS.

Zach Ames is a writer and comedian from Chattanooga who now resides in Los Angeles.

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